Everyone Desired to have a Chance of Forgiveness---Experiencing Rejection and Stress can have a Negative Impact on Health, but it can also Nurture your Resilience and Creativity

San Wong MBACP, MPsy, MCoun, UKCP, APA*¹

*Correspondence to: San Wong. Senior Clinical Psychotherapist, Systematic Therapist Clinician, and University Supervisor Lecturer, Head of Clinical Psychology and Mental Health Department , Autism & ADHD specialist, Creative Play and Art psychotherapist, Registered Hypnotherapist.

Copyright

© 2023 San Wong. This is an open access article distributed under the Creative Commons Attribution License, which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.

Received: 11 August 2023

Published: 01 September 2023

Therapeutic storytelling allows clients to reflect on distressing thoughts and emotions and gain the true self-acceptance without becoming overwhelmed.

What’s the prognosis? One of my client J (Mrs Yeung) ask briefly disassociating, imagining.  ‘Two or more years of separation with my daughter and PTSD suffered’. I had to pass through those well documented stage of grief---the denial, the anger, the bargaining, and the depression. The instant questions about a less certain future---why me? What is my future life plan? Why cannot he forgive me one more time? Will I have my daughter back? Will I fall in love again? Finally, J came to an acceptance of sorts and then something shifted through my therapy. I start to write my thesis and article and hold group counselling on supporting people similar like J. As a new immigrant and all the circumstances, J would always know that stress and adversity can leave her mark on the body and that minority people face additional adversity and more health implication than the majority population. J began to look back at her life critically, her early life difficulties to the socio-political sphere and how to self-love and self-acceptance herself again.

What’s minority stress? We all suffer stress, but minority stress refers to the chronic additional and unique stress that comes from being part of a stigmatised minority in a dominant society. The minority stress framework has widened in focus to include ethnic minorities, disabled people SEN, new immigrants, and refugees.

Minority stress comprises two forms of stress that overlap and are independent. The first is distal stress-objective, external prejudice events, such as violence abuse and psychosis discrimination at both the individual and structural level. The second is proximal stress-a more subjective internal stress that is often a necessary protective response but may inadvertently add to a person’s stress load. This can include hiding or concealing aspects of yourself, expectation of rejection and an internalisation of stigma. Think of avoidance of close relationship to avoid rejection or discrimination, excessive drinking, or sex to reduce anxiety in social situation, or a feeling of unworthiness linked to role identity and skin colour.

My client J keeps on asking herself. ‘Do I make stress to my men? Why he run away when we handle stress? We are being rejected by a person we want, we value, and he is so important in our life. Sometimes the experience can cause us to feel physical and psychological pain. Almost immediately, we begin to ask ourselves difficult questions:

• ‘What is God doing in my life?’
• ‘Why am I not good enough?’
• ‘What did I do wrong?’
• ‘What’s wrong with me, am I not perfect?’
• ‘Why he said get away of my house?’
• ‘Why he abandoned me in my most valuable stage?’
• ‘Am I ugly or not worthy?’
• ‘Why I always dump me on the side not being respected?’
• ‘Why he does not reply my message and disconnected and not interested on me?’
• ‘Do I forgive myself and forgive others (your dearest partner)?’
• ‘Do I forgive someone you love who hurt you deeply?’
• ‘Why he cannot forgive me one time because of the family or the kid?’

When all these thoughts are left uncontrolled, it mutates into problems within ourselves. Human rejection has been said to be one of the most potent threats to self-esteem (Campbell 2006). Within moments, negative opinions of self are irrationally formed and engrained into our psyche as truths. We become defined by the fact that another person declined us. We rationalize who I am or who we are is not enough, and in some cases that we are not worthy of love. But there is a solution to breakthrough in my clinical experience, my supervision with supervisee and my personal life experience. I supported J for almost a year and made this reflection. Now, she became more confident and happier. Even her partner still doesn’t response any her message and disconnected with her, without bearing any responsibility. She finds her value and she is stronger to handle all difficulties by herself. J laughed, ‘I am small, but I am strong and brave. Thanks for letting me to see my beauty of mine’.

Being abandoned and rejected without a proper termination or settlement, the feeling is absolutely painful, you never know the answer, your life is miserable and hopeless. From J experience I guided her to let it go and move on to forgive someone abandoned her or she abandoned her partner or rejected her and find someone wo care and value you and treat you as a pearl. I noticed the common reaction of being rejected is getting triggered and annoyed by unusual things. This was a sign for J to take notice of her internal state. A deep grey and black week of emptiness sat inside J. J wanted to coil inwards like a shell and go to sleep there for a long time so that J did not have to feel how painful it was to shut the door. Part of the therapy helped J always wanted to dance and sing in a ritual of letting go. J need her personal inner space and spiritual healing, movement, music, play, art and natural energy and J needed those around her to hold and understand what J had taken on and what J had to let go. J also find very useful from one of her church friends guided her to use breathing exercise technique combined with the song ‘Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me ---Orthodox Christian Jesus Prayer Chant’. J discovered the attachment relationship a mum with a daughter were a testament to the linking of two beings coming into a bond and slowing integrating through push and pull, rupture and repair, mirroring, co-regulation, empathy and play. Even though the experience of endings and separation is often mixed, part of J go with these children. Our relationship will be stored in a chest of memories.

J own survival strategy involved empowering herself through continuously learning about human psychology and a reflective approach through creative play and writing can help us process the impact of separation and endings in any relationship during the therapy.

During this time J became acutely aware of the need to be able to calm herself and be responsive rather than reactive amid often challenging circumstances. Conscious breathing, prayer, church and community support, self-awareness, journalling, and a regular exercise like swimming, running, dancing, exploring the world and mediation practice all helped when J anxiety and fear felt unbearable and miserable. There were sometimes significant periods of abstinence for J’s family member, J partner, she can’t find her husband and totally disconnected where it felt like things were never ends then things would begin to slip, and the cycle would repeat. Operating from a place of calm enabled J to communicate at the level of understanding of where a person is, rather than where J want her to be, and to be very patient. Always keeping the lines of communication open with her family member and her daughter was very important to her. J wanted her daughter and her family to know that despite her rebellious behaviour and bad temper, she really love and miss her family and loved one, and everything could make different choices. I wish one day in the end; I can see J’s (Mr & Mrs Yeung) family marriage resocialisation and use both talents to serve other people who are suffering.

In this case of (Mrs Yeung) J’s 40 years old a cute and professional lady. Too often we look to romantic or family or friends or partners as a method of establishing our worth. Studies have shown some people can feel worthless and incompetent following a rejection, especially if we have been overlooked in favour of someone else (Deri and Zitek, 2017). I can remember you I had the biggest crush in my life choosing my best friend over me. A decade later and I still get remnants of the sick feeling in my stomach I had. It flashes back my childhood, my trauma, and my incompleteness.

I have merely symptoms of a broader issue in society — that we consciously view rejection as a reflection of ourselves and a determinant of my worth. The purpose of this reflection is to help you understand the reality and understand no one is perfect, I realize an essential truth — rejection does not define us unless we allow it. We must never allow these feelings to consume us, and instead, we must use this as an opportunity to grow stronger and make yourself more resilience.

Here are some of the most important concepts to flip upside down and get change after helped J’s case.

When dealing with our difference. Try to embrace these principles, let’s be patient and see what would happen if you applied this tips in your romantic, friendship or family relationship. I am happy to hear your successful changes. 

Here are the tips I feel it may work well in my psychotherapy counselling experience for many years:

1. Change your mindset and form a new sparking energy. As long as we are willing to assign a positive meaning to this experience, i.e., observe a new perspective that can take us forward, there is absolutely no reason to become incapacitated. To do so only relieves us of our power and distributes control into the hands of those who pushed us away.
2. Re-framing is the ultimate expression of personal autonomy — it’s a clear demonstration of internal power and the desire to move forward.
3. Always appreciate your friend / partner good side rather than the bad side. Don’t pick little inside the egg. Don’t control other people. The truth is everyone has their own needs — and that is their right as an individual. I have no right to control how you feel, what they should want, or what they should do.
4. Learn How would this feel if I were in his/ her-shoes? Could I have needs that I cannot meet? Why do I feel so compelled to control other’s behaviour? Is that because of my culture, habit, norms, or my biological family teaching method. Can I humble and change myself if I really value that person?

1. This has no reflection on my worth as a human being. Whether I like it or not, I am a unique and special individual who will be appreciated by another person. It is not my role to force someone upon others or derive my sense of self from their acceptance.
2. Reflect on do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you? How would it feel engaging in a relationship knowing that you had to spend weeks convincing them of your value? Rather than begging, playing games, and fighting to prove your worth.
3. Embrace Abundance

The belief that we will not find something else like that which we just lost. Everything is not coincidence, and everything happen must have the reasons, choose to determine to success or give up easily? This is your choice. But my determination and passion tell me it never fails.

The Psychology of Persuasion” to encapsulate the human desire to want something that appears to be less available. The fear of loss is one of the most potent motivators in human psychology. It’s why limited quantity/time sales manage to overwhelm our common sense — we inherently hate the feeling that we missed out on something.

1. I conclude and would invite you to learn and commit this formula to memory:

Thoughts → Feelings → Actions → Outcomes

There are two options:

• Rejection reflects me and my worth → I feel horrible about myself → I am going to be miserable and inactive → Nothing changes.
• Rejection does not define me, and I will move on to better things → I feel excited about new opportunities → I will put myself out there → Great things happen.

We can always control my emotional state and we can shut off negative thoughts at any time and replace them with useful ones. In every living moment, let’s make a change in our communication, find someone you can trust to guide you, remind you when you are loss, weak and vulnerable.

Learn how to be Resilience and Creativity

There is also a light at the end of this bleak tunnel. Baked into the minority stress framework is the phenomenon of resilience, which seems to be highly expressed in minority people. My goal is to find the community in those similar experiences buffers the impact of this stress. Crucially, my path’s path to healing and stereotype of pastor wife but failure in the marriage, wondering why I cannot get the second chance of forgiveness.  It made my healing came more relationally, starting with an affirming, exploratory therapy experience that was containing and humane. In time I explored our racial difference, power and privilege and other unconscious proceeded at play in and outside the therapy room. Most importantly, it was about finding myself again in that free, spontaneous, and creative child in my inner bottom heart.

Now, I would like you to end our rejection into play with an exercise to explore yourself and your life journey. The exercise itself was simple---divide a piece of paper into six sections and, either by drawing pictures or writing a few sentences, produce a complete, self-contained narrative. If we think in terms of the classic three act structure, produce a complete, self- contained narrative. If we think in terms of the classic three act structure, the first two sections represented the introduction and inciting incident, the third and fourth would be the rising tension and crisis, while the final two were sections were for the story’s climax and denouement. I would recently start, about a young lady who, being stuck in a rut in terms of relationship and lifestyle. She lost her lover and her daughter, went abroad, found job and love, and formed a new sense of self-worth. Thais simple exercise, seen in the context of reflections and insight from previous sessions, was enough to both highlight certain unconscious belief and externalize various adverse behaviour. It was immediately clear reflection. For me, I should lay off the self-recrimination and letting me witness my own presentation issues. I am in my last two section in my midlife, I really hope I can have a beautiful fulfilling life in my rest of 40 years, enjoy every moment, love myself and love others and treasure my family and my partner. I would like to use my professional to serve someone they are in suffered in the first two section.

Towards Growth

The stance of person cantered therapy of Rogers is phenomenological and places everyone at the centre of our own unique experience. Each individual organism has an actualising tendency--- a propensity to move towards growth. Destructive behaviour and attitude and trauma experiences can damage the actualising tendency and lead to introjected condition of worth---values absorbed from significant others. A false self-structure develops, which conflicts with the organismic self, and this can lead into psychological disturbance or incongruence. In my clinical experience for so many years, integrative model combined with person cantered therapy helps the individual become aware of discrepancies in the self-structure, and it is this awareness of their own experiencing that leads to changes in attitudes and behaviour and alleviates psychological distress.

The six conditions provided by the therapist facilitate such growth. Merry (2002) argues that the actualising tendency drives the natural process of change, and the content of this varies according to the needs of each unique individual. To direct the client in any way is therefore counter-therapeutic and disrupts the natural process. As every individual is unique, direction must come from the client, not the therapist or professional. This unique quality renders diagnosis irrelevant, as the latter seeks to generalise and categorise psychological disturbance. From a person-centred perspective, self-exploration and healing are a subjective experience, not easily articulated and put into neat boxes. However, Rogers was clear in defining the process of therapy. His extensive collection of filmed material provides empirical evidence of the approach, while his writing demonstrates the complex philosophy underpinning the theory.

To conclude, in a healthy relationship or marriage, everyone desired to have chance of forgiveness, some things are worth defending, and mutual respect is at the top of the list. This doesn’t mean you should nag, insult, publicly embarrass your mate, or point out insignificant indiscretions that should be overlooked. But a workable system of ‘check and balances’ can keep your marriage on course when issues respect is at stake. This mutual of accountability is the best way I know to avoid an unexpected explosion when stored resentment and anger reach a critical mass. So, love one another, giving precedence and showing honour to one another.

Everyone desired to have a chance to forgive, the use of self is a crucial part of the person-centred approach in comparison with many other modalities, which have more of a generic roadmap for what they are doing. Like most rejected and abandoned situation and the belief of person-centred approach, which is passive, these are the reasons that it is in fact dynamic, and the non-directive nature of challenging. Tolan (2003) compared this to be a rollercoaster, both exhilarating and scary and unpredictable---the therapist is not in control and cannot play safe and drive the rollercoaster as the actualising tendency cannot be steered.  You will only begin to heal when you let go of past hurts, forgive those who have wronged you and to learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes. The most important part of the therapy is my genuine, kindness and totally acceptance and understanding to my clients. I provide to my clients with special technique and help you identify the little cuts and bruised that shapes you and transform into a beautiful butterfly and made you feel like yourselves. My exceptionally courageous and radical in trusting the client and trusting myself to bring about the change without the safety net of diagnosis and techniques. Always be positive and faithful to yourself, you didn’t get married by accident. Mordy (2020) mentioned ‘What’s destroyed can still be rebuilt, what’s lost cans still be found, what’s broken can still be mended, an end is not always the end, it can also be a basic for a new and better beginning.’ God created you and your spouse and bought you together to make an amazing team for His glory. I wish me and every couple can let how to forgive and accept and love each other and enjoy the true loving and acceptance moment with your family and children.

References

1. Deri, S., & Zitek, E. M. (2017). Did you reject me for someone else? Rejections that are comparative feel worse. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(12), 1675–1685.

2. Merry T. Classical person client centered therapy. In: Sanders P (ed). The tribes of the person centered nation (2nd ed). Monmouth: PCCS Books;2001, p.26.

3. Tolan J.Skills in person centered counselling and psychotherapy. London: Sage Publication;2003.